..Dear John..

Sunday, July 17, 2011


My dearest John,

Your letter must have come from heaven as surely it has breathed hope in me and enliven my faith in love. There is so much I would like to say to you, the first and foremost is that, I can’t wait to finally meet you and behold the gift that I have so long been praying for. I have no doubt that you will be God’s best for me. Your coming into my life will be worth everything I went through. :)


I hope that wherever you maybe in the world right now know that someone is praying for you – your other half is right here in me. I just wonder how God's version of our love story would be. I believe it's going to be beyond my creative imagination. No one else can do it like He does. When that happens, I know that the universe will conspire to never let us be apart from each other again, ever.

I understand that I had to go through some pains so I would be a better partner to the one that’s ultimately for me – and that is you. And I promise I will also try my best to bring out the best in you while loving me. I know you aren’t perfect but you will be in my eyes. We will be best of friends more than lovers and that rest assured I will stand by you for the rest of our lives. I will be your strength as you will be the only light that I need to see when the world turns dark. I pray you will also love me and all of my flaws and blunders, including my proclivity to being the best in everything (I tend to be perfectionist especially when it comes to relationships). And oh, just a warning, I may get too sweet, I hope this won’t drive you crazy. (haha! if you really love me you will accept even this. just enjoy it.) Oh well, I could just imagine us going to mass together every Sunday and I’ll cook lunch for us at home afterwards. It will be a life of adventures together. ;)

Meanwhile, I will take my time to prepare myself so that when we finally meet I’d be the best person that God wills for you and we’ll both thank Him for the gift of each other, as you say. For now, I will keep on praying for you, my John. Please take care of yourself until I could take care of you myself. :)

Lovingly yours,
Love


P.S. I know this will be my song for you. Ooops, just can't wait..  : ) 





The Love Letter..

I remember it was one of “those days" of dragging myself to work with my seemingly paralyzed limbs. When I got at the office I saw something at my desk - a letter was rolled up and held in place by a silver charm that had one word spelled out on it “BELIEVE”. For the first time in a few months, my face lit up and my heart leaped. And so I read….



--

Dear Love,

I know you’re hurting right now and I’m so sorry that I’m not there to put my arms around you and wipe those tears from your eyes. It’s more painful for me to see you in pain than to be in pain myself. And I have no choice. God says you have to go through this.

I will eventually find you though and when I do, I promise that you will never again shed a single tear. I promise to give back everything that you lost since he left you and give so much more. I will take care of you. Just be patient, my love, I will come when you are ready.

In the meantime, know that I am coming and let that be your strength. Also, remember that there are no bad experiences, just blessings in disguise. Someday we’ll both thank Him for this.

Love,
John

P.S. This song is for you. Listen carefully Sweetie.




--
(John is Juan read as the "One" in Filipino version)






A Letter to my 16-year-old Self

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Dear Little Me,

As I write you this letter, I am taken back to a time when you barely know anything important in life yet. I could feel your eagerness with your almost uncorrupted perception of love just as innocent as your age. You have the ardent passion about knowing and experiencing fully what life is about and all that’s into it.  Yet you seemed to be wiser than any 16-year-old person as you have already gone through a number of life-changing experiences in your early childhood years, sadly most of them painful ones. You will pass through more sharp turns and bumps as you head on to where I am now. But each trial you hurdle makes up to the strength of your character. After all in your later years, you will learn to value more the things that you worked hard for. I admire your perseverance to excel in everything you do. I understand it’s the only way you believe you can make your Papa proud and get yourself into a decent university as you want to help your widowed mother. That’s what I like about you the most – your determination to help your family someday. Don’t worry, I can tell you now – all your efforts would someday pay-off. And as you go up the stage each year to get your certificates/medals you have that voice in your heart – wishing your Papa were there to witness those moments. But just while you are smart in your academe you seemed to be so na├»ve yet about matters of the heart. Each day you spend long hours daydreaming about your so-called “prince”. You are blinded by the perfect idea of love. All you think about is having that someone who will fill that void your father’s lost left in your person. I can tell you’re enjoying the attention and admiration of boys your age as you strut around the school campus as if looking for some missing puzzle pieces you think will complete you. O darling, if I can only tell you now and spare you of the pain you’d have to go through in love to fully understand and appreciate it, believe me I would. Yes, you will meet a geek-looking, smart and sweet child trapped in a man’s body whom you will love more than you could love anyone else less than your Mom & Dad. You will build your dreams – your world around him. Your worth will rely on him so much that you will soon lose yourself in loving him. Everything I know about love now you’ll learn for the next 12 years. And just when you think everything will soon fall into place – your dream just shatters into pieces as you are left to mend a broken heart – a broken soul in you all by yourself. But do not worry my dear – you have a loving God and His love made you whole again – as the person that I am now.


If there is one thing you will learn best from that yet another traumatic experience is that (relating to a term used in your future job): “you are not a derivative whose value is derived from an underlying asset. You are that Valuable underlying Asset – You are worth more than what you were to him or to anyone else for that matter. Always believe in God’s love and His Bests.” For now, don’t be scared to love. Because I tell you – it was worth all the lessons and happiness you once felt anyway. Someday, you will also meet someone – who will love you as much as taking care of you for the rest of your life. – this I was told to believe so and still I utter the same prayers you have to these days. :)


Take care always,


Your 28-year-old self :)                                                


-I will always be your Baby-

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Re-posting my blog 2 years ago about a dream I had of Papa in remembrance of him on Father's day. To me, he was the first man to show me love. I admit thou that his lost was the void of me that I kept hoping for someone to fill in. Now I realized no one can ever take his place. Only God can love me better than he did. And oh, add my mama too. :)


Happy Father's day Papang Ric! I will always miss you!


Your little princess 


Love2x :)




Read on:


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I was the apple of his eyes… everywhere he'd go, he’d carry me along and show me off to everyone as if I were some precious stone or something.. “lawyer” is what he wanted to get for an answer whenever he’d ask me about what I want to be when I grow up and he’d repeatedly ask me this for everyone else to hear (hence the ardent desire).. I remember he’d bring me to Village (a restaurant with playground for kids) where I would cheerfully run back and forth making my way to the swing and sliding equipments.. I could almost see the serenity and happiness in his face as he watched me play.. he’d be holding my little hand as we walk along the boulevard peacefully observing the calm sea.. this to me was a perfect picture of how a dad should be – protective.. I was only 3 years old then but I can vividly recall to this time all those precious moments with papa… amazing? Perhaps because they were my fondest memories of childhood.. and up to these days, whenever his comrades and even his subjects would see me, they’d always agree that I was my papa’s girl.. why? That I would like to ask him if I had the chance..(i am the 3rd in the brood of 4 you know, why me??why not?) it’s been almost 22  years (now 25 as of this time of repost) since we lost him and I thought I was over the sobbing and grieving part – until this morning.. I woke up from a dream.. a dream I had wished for 22 long years to happen.. he visited me in my dream (on a Friday the 13th take note!).. it was almost real… he looked healthy and happy.. he was trying to show me documents enclosed in 2 folders which to my excitement I didn’t bother to even look at.. I was so happy to hug him and tell him how much I missed him all these years and I could almost feel like it’s so real.. after that short meeting I remember we drove off and I dropped him off somewhere then sadly he walked away and disappeared.. when I woke up, I felt a bit puzzled about the whole dream.. first, it’s been a long time since his death and now he seems so real in my dream; second, what could be his purpose for visiting me in my sleep.. one thing I realized is that - I wasn’t fully over his lost.. I am the same little girl who’d cry over her dreams during the first few months after her papa left her.. I am now 26 (now 28) and he still affects me this much.. after all, I will always be his favorite little girl.. “You will always have a special part in my heart papa.. “

Note: When I called up my elder sister to tell her about my dream (while I was crying hard), she readily asked me what numbers papa gave me. Incidentally, just before I woke up, I remembered 3 numbers came out from nowhere, and guess what, much to her dismay, i learned that those exact numbers were among the winning numbers in the lottery last night! Maybe papa just laughed and thought that's what she gets for not even asking how he was doing in my dream. Haha!

Friends are Angels in disguise

Saturday, June 11, 2011

----
     I remember a few months back, in January to be exact, when it felt like I had my doomsday, the ones who were there to pull me up are my friends and family – my angels.


      It was a fun Saturday night as Cate, Dee & I decided that I sleep over their flat since my housemates had all gone back home in the Philippines. We watched “Amnesia Girl” which had been a memorable movie since then, not to forget the fact that it started all the dramas which ended up with all the 3 of us sharing our fantasies on how we wish we’d meet our “charming princes”. The night was just as nice and fun when you’re with your friends. Little did I know that I was meant to be with them that night because I was gonna need them for the morning that followed. Yeah, a revelation that sent shivers to my spine. It wasn’t something like I expected (or was I just in denial then? haha!) or thought I deserve. But thanks to Cate whose blouse I think got soaked with my tears that morning and the one who used to call me almost every day then to check on me (not to forget she's always my spokesperson), Tatsie who offered to take the bus while we take a cab which didn’t happen as the queue was so long and I was already almost lifeless (exaggerated), Ervyn who held my hand all along and offered to be my roomie for a night (I wasn’t even sure if I was the one to thank him that day or the other way around. Haha! Joke!), and of course Dee who, offered to stay with me for a week. I kinda least expect Dee to do this. And at first, I was shy to drag her into my pathetic life that time. I knew I’d be half alive the days after that and it would be kinda challenging for her to catch me on my lucid intervals. She was there to listen to all my pitiful cries before we sleep. She was there to share to me all that she went through when she was where I was exactly then. She’s the one who waited for me every day so we could have a dinner together while watching “imortal” then. I remember we would laugh before we sleep over “some people”; watched wedding videos which made us both cry. With her around slowly tears turned to smiles and bad memories turned to motivations to better myself. She even inspired me to start up this personal blog site of mine just as it also served as her outlet for all her bunch of memories – good and bad.

     From the prayer and inspirational booklets given to me; wall posts, chats and private messages all sending the same message of encouragement; pats on my shoulders to prayers offered, she along with all my caring friends and family nursed the wounded soul in me. I maybe suffering from selective memory loss but I will never forget what each of my friends and family did for me during those lowest moments of my life. I could not thank God enough for the chance of knowing my worth to all the rest of the people who love me. Indeed, God is present in my life. Now looking back I must say, God must be hugging me so tight then and every single day.

10 Random Thoughts

I am stuck here alone in my room again on a supposedly exciting Saturday night. But I guess I kinda like my solitary confinement better than meeting blank faces partying somewhere. Sitting in front of my pink lappy, I decided to just write down in random any thoughts that cross my mind. And here you go:

--
1. I am craving for California Makki at this time of the night!!!

2. My greatest fear is dying unprepared. Not having to ask forgiveness from people I had hurt, not having to free myself from resentments, and lastly, not having to let those people I love know how much I do.

3. The best wedding proposal for me is by the man whom I truly love and can see myself growing old with… :) I can’t think of anything better than that as of this moment. :)

4. Dream Wedding – to the same person in the 3rd line of course! Haha! With all the closest and special people who witnessed everything I went through to deserve that very moment.

5. My LSS now is “sasakyan kita” hahaha! That’s gonna be my song for “John”. Haha! (note after reading this again: "what the heck was I thinking then?!" haha!)

6. Greatest vanity – skincare and scent! I don’t mind spending for these.

7. What makes me sad now? No bonus! Haha! (Would have been great to enjoy GSS!)

8. No. 1 Frustration – Not having to celebrate my 18th birthday wearing a pretty and elaborate gown. (that might just be my only chance of wearing one! Haha)

9. Persons I miss most now – my Papa and my lola – Imeng. I wish I could hug them in my dreams.

10. Major Turn-on traits? Someone loving – knows how to take care and love himself (I really appreciate men who are little less vain than I am) he doesn't have to be a hunk, just neat will do; all he needs to do is make 1 heart go throbbing - mine; loves his family; loves God & loves me dearly & faithfully; Wise & Sensible – someone who sees life more than just a daily mundane thing; whom I can tell everything and laughs with me on my corny jokes; and lastly and most importantly someone I love. This last part makes it all hard as spark is something mysterious and undefined. It might even render all in my "turn-on-traits" list useless. 

Serendipity - the means or the end in itself?

Saturday, April 30, 2011

        




        I watched this movie for the first time tonight. (how could I watch it just now?! when all the rest have watched it for like a 100 times already, huh? haha!) And yes, they were all right. Hhmmm.. It's one of those make-you-believe-in-happy-endings-movies. I get it. We all wish for happy endings, don't we? Winning a prince's heart like Kate or just merely ending up with the one we love living in sheer bliss. But which do we give credit for happy endings? Destiny? Serendipity? Or simply our choices? Yes, I still believe that there is such thing called Serendipity/Destiny. I like how the movie differentiates the 2 as: "When love feels like magic, it’s called Destiny. When destiny has a sense of humor, It’s called Serendipity." To me, I believe that there is indeed one person I would call as my "match made in heaven" or "soulmate" or "God's best" all meant as that one person with whom my life is so intertwined from the beginning that even the universe conspires to make us end up with each other. [as the movie puts it "They say that once in your lifetime someone comes along whom you’re absolutely meant to be with."] But I know that my choices will still play a part in shaping my destiny. As fate provides for avenues and chances it still is up to us to choose what to do with these chances. As in the movie, had Sarah or Jonathan not called off their weddings, they would not have ended up with each other. Or is it because their hearts somehow knew who it's meant for in the end hence the choices. Now I am confused here. Haha! 


        The movie also reminded me of a song I sang on my elder sister's wedding "Born for you" by David Pomeranz.  (Haha! That was so long ago. It's like from the Jurassic Age or something already.) And it's kinda suggestive of how Destiny can be so powerful as to leave us with no other choice but to succumb to its mandates. Hays. Now it makes me think which is rather the higher force: Destiny or Love? Getting more complicated huh? Whatever! When it happens I'll know. Well, as for me, one thing's for sure: that there is one Great Guy up there looking after my heart's desire: God knows best!  No less. :)


Below are my favorite lines from the movies and the song.
"SERENDIPITY"
"If we are to live life in harmony with the universe – we all must possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call fatem, what we currently refer to as destiny."

"Thats what happens when people get involved with all that New Age crap… they spend the rest of their lives sitting at home burning candles for Mr.Right, when Mr. Good-Enough-For-Right-Now is sitting at the local bar."

"Dean: Jonathan Trager, prominent television producer for ESPN, died last night from complications of losing his soul mate and his fiancee. He was 35 years old. Soft-spoken and obsessive, Trager never looked the part of a hopeless romantic. But, in the final days of his life, he revealed an unknown side of his psyche. This hidden quasi-Jungian persona surfaced during the Agatha Christie-like pursuit of his long reputed soul mate, a woman whom he only spent a few precious hours with. Sadly, the protracted search ended late Saturday night in complete and utter failure. Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Trager secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, its a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan. Asked about the loss of his dear friend, Dean Kansky, the Pulitzer Prize-winning author and executive editor of the New York Times, described Jonathan as a changed man in the last days of his life. "Things were clearer for him," Kansky noted. Ultimately Jonathan concluded that if we are to live life in harmony with the universe, we must all possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call "fatum", what we currently refer to as destiny. "
---



"BORN FOR YOU"


Too many billion people

Running around the planet What is the chance in heaven That you'd find your way to me? Tell me what is this sweet sensation? It's a miracle that's happened Though I search for an explanation Only one thing it could be -
It was written in the stars
Yes, I was born for you
And the choice was never ours
It's as if the powers of the universe
Conspired to make you mine
And til the day I die,
I bless the day that I was born for you




That I was born for you



Walking the Talk on Forgiveness

Sunday, April 17, 2011

                I guess this is the most difficult talk to walk not only for me but for most people nowadays. I have always been forgiving all my life as I have always kept in mind that I am a sinner myself and that before I could even actually utter my words of repentance before God, I know He has already forgiven me with all open arms, accepting me back like I had never betrayed him. And thus by this grace, I am free from the bondage of sins, of guilt. And even if I fall repeatedly into the pit of sins, even before I raise my hands up and cry out to Him, my Father in Heaven shall have already reached out for my hands to help me stand up again. This scenario is very much reflective of God’s unconditional love. What have I done good to make Him love me this much? No other Father would abandon His only begotten Son for some other people, more so, unworthy and ruthless sinners like me. I could just imagine how the Heaven cried out in deep grief with Him when He lost His only Son over me. But He did it. All because He loves me. All of me. All that I was, I have been and will become. Despite I am sinner. And so as I struggle to continue walking the talk on Forgiveness I am convicted of the kind of love that God has for me – who am I not to forgive those people who offended me? Thus, I shall keep my prayer that as God who is Most Worthy of all my love, has forgiven and embraced me back, I, too may forgive. Amen.





My Achy Breaky Heart..

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Prologue:
                This is for those who suffered ill-fated love stories, those who will never see brokenness in the same way again. Ever. Kung never kang na-heart broken ay wag ka ng mag-aksaya ng panahon dahil either matotraumatized ka lang o hinde mo lang maintindihan ang pangyayaring ito. This goes also for those who chose to break and punch a hole into someone’s heart – “hope it's worth it” (just kidding) I’m just trying to make a humor out of one of the saddest and most dreaded states a person could go through in life – heartbreak.  
 ----          
               Every story I guess starts with the lines “I need a space” (lubayan mo na daw xa. Ang kulit mo kasi!) or “pagod nako” (oo nga naman, kalabaw lang di napapagod sabe nila) or “kelangan ko lang hanapin sarili ko” (hanggang sa iba na nga nahanap nila). You could think of a hundred other excuses, most of them lame ones but all of them have only 1 simple message – he/she is checking out of your relationship. The moment you hear anything that goes along these lines, you suddenly hear a cracking noise inside you like that of the collapsing Tower One building during the 9/11 attack, the next thing you know your heart is broken – you are broken into pieces and you panic to see where every piece went, scared you might not be able to put yourself back together. For a moment there you’d wish you were just having a nightmare that you can just wake up from. But No. Every day after that the first thing that gets into your head “wala na siya” sabay iyak mo na tila napakalalim ng pinaghuhugutan at hindi kana nauubusan ng tubig sa katawan. (baka madehydrate ka te/kuya) It is also the last thought that forces you to sleep every night (well actually it’s the swollen eyes that work like your sleeping pills).  

Heartbreak is caused by separation or broken relationships, characterized by a severe pain in the chest that causes paralysis to some of the body parts and malfunctioning of the brain accompanied by grave depression resulting to weight loss. In other words, more like Near-Death-Experience. Haha! Note: I strongly second the motion to have this as one of the valid reasons for MC to be spearheaded by a friend. (ma-add nga ang definition kong ito sa Webster dictionary. hehe) Warning: This heart sickness can be asymptomatic for you may never know you’re already suffering from this until you actually see the cause for yourself (FB). So sa umpisa sasabihin mo pang “wehh?” (dahil pipilitin mong intindihin at ideny kahit alam mong may di na tama sa mga ngyayari – denial often precedes one’s diagnosis of heartaches.)
         
           During these times, Pain and Depression make up a good team. At tila pagkakaisahan ka nila talaga sa iyong kahinaan. Each day feels like dragging yourself to get by. You take a conscious effort each time as it feels like a paralysis has crippled your limbs to walk. For a while, you lose all the appetite not only for food but also for anything good in life. You realize you want nothing else in this world but to have him/her back. You dive carelessly into the seemingly bottomless pit of self-pity because you were left alone to fight a battle that you thought was for the 2 of you to hurdle together (agay..wawa man chaaa.) It’s when you literally cry your heart out. You’d frequent the restrooms for a cry break. Cry on the bus. Cry while you’re eating. Cry when you watch a show/movie you used to watch together. Cry when you hear your favorite love song. Cry for all the reasons in the world you can find. It’s like crying over a spilt milk, really. Because no matter what, one thing's for sure, if he/she truly loves you, nothing can make him/her walk away just like that. Tears won’t change things. He/she is gone. But tears cleanse and let you unload your sentiments. (So cry if you must!) 

You become too fragile that with just one pat on your shoulder, tears will just stream down your cheeks straightaway (with your seatmates wondering why you never get tired of crying and you also wonder if he has the slightest understanding of what you are going through). And all you’ll hear are the same words of consolation “it’s not your lost!” or “perhaps you deserve someone better”. Thanks guys really for these. If only these words have magic to just make you feel better and forget the pain right away like VOILA! But all they do is just make you stop crying for a while then when you’re alone again with the duo (Pain and Depression) you just lose yourself and allow them to take control over you. It’s like they become your enemies and best friends at the same time. Enemies kasi all they do is make you feel bad, best friends kasi di ka nila iiwan hanggang di ka bibitaw, at least di ba. You get yourself immersed on your low emotions that everything in your body stops working except your brain which doesn’t seem to get tired asking “pano niya nagawang saktan ako ng ganto?? Do I deserve this when all I did was loved him/her with all that I am? OMG! OMG!” (pwede din sagutin mo sarili mo ng wehh??) Questions, the answer of which, you are dying to hear but you’re scared you might not want it. Sometimes you even look for answers from your friends. You talk about the same thing over and over as if they also never get tired listening to a pirated CD. Then out of sheer desperation you may end up making a drunk call making yourself all the more remorseful wishing you hadn’t done it in the first place. 

It’s also when every sad song seems to be dedicated especially for you – kahit anong love song ipatugtog ay magpapaiyak sayo, sama mo na rin ung kanta ni Michael V na “sinaktan mo ang puso ko” haha!  Then “My Amnesia Girl” or “One More Chance” instantly became 2 of your most favorite movies this time, wishing you will also get the same ending as in the movies. For a time you’d wish you have other causes that will somehow exceed the severity of the pain in your chest or make you just feel numb about the whole thing. You’d close your eyes while on a cab going home late from OT saying “sana magka amnesia na lang ako!” and imagine waking up in a hospital asking the people around you “sino kayo? Sino ako?” haha! I wonder if amnesia can even make the heart forget. 

Finally, as you lie in bed you still think about the same thing like you’ve never really grown tired analyzing. You stop and stare at the wall for the longest time then as you close your eyes you say a prayer that tomorrow will bring smiles back on your face, the zest for life that you once had and the hope to be happy again.

              As in all separation stories, we all have our own different versions, the sizes and depth of wounds vary but one thing is the same, we all experience pain. These instances present us a choice. Either to take Pain and Depression as your lifetime partners or welcome the avenue to explore greater and bigger things ahead, perhaps, hopefully, much better than what was behind the closed doors. You make the choice. Your Family and Friends can only support your healing but you've gotta help yourself most importantly. Always choose to emerge as a better person. This way, you will never be in the losing end. And the Duo? They too will get tired of pestering you and you as well will shoo them away, sooner or later. Like everything else in this world, they too shall pass. May hangganan din pala ang lahat. Trust me.

              In all that happened to me during those lowest moments in my life, the best thing was I became closer to God. It’s when during those crying times that even when I can’t see Him I felt Him hugging me so tight cuddling me like a baby, assuring me that His Love for me is much Bigger than the pain I was into and that His Plans for me are far Greater than what I can even wish for myself. During those times, I totally surrendered everything to His Divine Healing as I offered Him my broken heart, my broken self knowing that He knows better than I. As I take time to heal, I also learned to realize the value of loving myself more. (I cannot give what I do not have.) Now I bask in the security that even if everyone else abandons me, God will never leave me. :)

Disclaimer: This blog does not intend to solicit sympathy or throw ill-feelings towards the person who chose to leave. Due Respect must be accorded. But Empathy and Understanding are much appreciated.

The Reason...

Sunday, January 23, 2011

I have always believed that for every painful sharpening we experience in life, there lies God's beautiful reason behind.. It always redounds to our choice on whether we make something good out of it or bring ourselves down to our demise. Well, as for me, I have resolved to use this pain as a refinement towards becoming the best version of myself. And while I am into it, I thought of putting into journals the phases that I go through to shed light to those people sharing my struggle - that they too may come to appreciate the worthy cause behind it, eventually. Come. Join me as I journey through the whole process of Healing..as love takes Time to heal...

Note: I got the inspiration for this whole blogging thing from Dee who happened to be known for her gift of writing. Guess, pain really does bring out the writer in a person. So she helped me get this thing up and running. While choosing a theme:

Tyne: Final. So ilang choices Dee bago ung final? Hahaha.
Dee: Choosing a template is like choosing John daw kasi. And it's like love... it takes Tyne. Wahahahaha.
Tyne: Wow. Status pls. Hahaha.