My Achy Breaky Heart..

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Prologue:
                This is for those who suffered ill-fated love stories, those who will never see brokenness in the same way again. Ever. Kung never kang na-heart broken ay wag ka ng mag-aksaya ng panahon dahil either matotraumatized ka lang o hinde mo lang maintindihan ang pangyayaring ito. This goes also for those who chose to break and punch a hole into someone’s heart – “hope it's worth it” (just kidding) I’m just trying to make a humor out of one of the saddest and most dreaded states a person could go through in life – heartbreak.  
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               Every story I guess starts with the lines “I need a space” (lubayan mo na daw xa. Ang kulit mo kasi!) or “pagod nako” (oo nga naman, kalabaw lang di napapagod sabe nila) or “kelangan ko lang hanapin sarili ko” (hanggang sa iba na nga nahanap nila). You could think of a hundred other excuses, most of them lame ones but all of them have only 1 simple message – he/she is checking out of your relationship. The moment you hear anything that goes along these lines, you suddenly hear a cracking noise inside you like that of the collapsing Tower One building during the 9/11 attack, the next thing you know your heart is broken – you are broken into pieces and you panic to see where every piece went, scared you might not be able to put yourself back together. For a moment there you’d wish you were just having a nightmare that you can just wake up from. But No. Every day after that the first thing that gets into your head “wala na siya” sabay iyak mo na tila napakalalim ng pinaghuhugutan at hindi kana nauubusan ng tubig sa katawan. (baka madehydrate ka te/kuya) It is also the last thought that forces you to sleep every night (well actually it’s the swollen eyes that work like your sleeping pills).  

Heartbreak is caused by separation or broken relationships, characterized by a severe pain in the chest that causes paralysis to some of the body parts and malfunctioning of the brain accompanied by grave depression resulting to weight loss. In other words, more like Near-Death-Experience. Haha! Note: I strongly second the motion to have this as one of the valid reasons for MC to be spearheaded by a friend. (ma-add nga ang definition kong ito sa Webster dictionary. hehe) Warning: This heart sickness can be asymptomatic for you may never know you’re already suffering from this until you actually see the cause for yourself (FB). So sa umpisa sasabihin mo pang “wehh?” (dahil pipilitin mong intindihin at ideny kahit alam mong may di na tama sa mga ngyayari – denial often precedes one’s diagnosis of heartaches.)
         
           During these times, Pain and Depression make up a good team. At tila pagkakaisahan ka nila talaga sa iyong kahinaan. Each day feels like dragging yourself to get by. You take a conscious effort each time as it feels like a paralysis has crippled your limbs to walk. For a while, you lose all the appetite not only for food but also for anything good in life. You realize you want nothing else in this world but to have him/her back. You dive carelessly into the seemingly bottomless pit of self-pity because you were left alone to fight a battle that you thought was for the 2 of you to hurdle together (agay..wawa man chaaa.) It’s when you literally cry your heart out. You’d frequent the restrooms for a cry break. Cry on the bus. Cry while you’re eating. Cry when you watch a show/movie you used to watch together. Cry when you hear your favorite love song. Cry for all the reasons in the world you can find. It’s like crying over a spilt milk, really. Because no matter what, one thing's for sure, if he/she truly loves you, nothing can make him/her walk away just like that. Tears won’t change things. He/she is gone. But tears cleanse and let you unload your sentiments. (So cry if you must!) 

You become too fragile that with just one pat on your shoulder, tears will just stream down your cheeks straightaway (with your seatmates wondering why you never get tired of crying and you also wonder if he has the slightest understanding of what you are going through). And all you’ll hear are the same words of consolation “it’s not your lost!” or “perhaps you deserve someone better”. Thanks guys really for these. If only these words have magic to just make you feel better and forget the pain right away like VOILA! But all they do is just make you stop crying for a while then when you’re alone again with the duo (Pain and Depression) you just lose yourself and allow them to take control over you. It’s like they become your enemies and best friends at the same time. Enemies kasi all they do is make you feel bad, best friends kasi di ka nila iiwan hanggang di ka bibitaw, at least di ba. You get yourself immersed on your low emotions that everything in your body stops working except your brain which doesn’t seem to get tired asking “pano niya nagawang saktan ako ng ganto?? Do I deserve this when all I did was loved him/her with all that I am? OMG! OMG!” (pwede din sagutin mo sarili mo ng wehh??) Questions, the answer of which, you are dying to hear but you’re scared you might not want it. Sometimes you even look for answers from your friends. You talk about the same thing over and over as if they also never get tired listening to a pirated CD. Then out of sheer desperation you may end up making a drunk call making yourself all the more remorseful wishing you hadn’t done it in the first place. 

It’s also when every sad song seems to be dedicated especially for you – kahit anong love song ipatugtog ay magpapaiyak sayo, sama mo na rin ung kanta ni Michael V na “sinaktan mo ang puso ko” haha!  Then “My Amnesia Girl” or “One More Chance” instantly became 2 of your most favorite movies this time, wishing you will also get the same ending as in the movies. For a time you’d wish you have other causes that will somehow exceed the severity of the pain in your chest or make you just feel numb about the whole thing. You’d close your eyes while on a cab going home late from OT saying “sana magka amnesia na lang ako!” and imagine waking up in a hospital asking the people around you “sino kayo? Sino ako?” haha! I wonder if amnesia can even make the heart forget. 

Finally, as you lie in bed you still think about the same thing like you’ve never really grown tired analyzing. You stop and stare at the wall for the longest time then as you close your eyes you say a prayer that tomorrow will bring smiles back on your face, the zest for life that you once had and the hope to be happy again.

              As in all separation stories, we all have our own different versions, the sizes and depth of wounds vary but one thing is the same, we all experience pain. These instances present us a choice. Either to take Pain and Depression as your lifetime partners or welcome the avenue to explore greater and bigger things ahead, perhaps, hopefully, much better than what was behind the closed doors. You make the choice. Your Family and Friends can only support your healing but you've gotta help yourself most importantly. Always choose to emerge as a better person. This way, you will never be in the losing end. And the Duo? They too will get tired of pestering you and you as well will shoo them away, sooner or later. Like everything else in this world, they too shall pass. May hangganan din pala ang lahat. Trust me.

              In all that happened to me during those lowest moments in my life, the best thing was I became closer to God. It’s when during those crying times that even when I can’t see Him I felt Him hugging me so tight cuddling me like a baby, assuring me that His Love for me is much Bigger than the pain I was into and that His Plans for me are far Greater than what I can even wish for myself. During those times, I totally surrendered everything to His Divine Healing as I offered Him my broken heart, my broken self knowing that He knows better than I. As I take time to heal, I also learned to realize the value of loving myself more. (I cannot give what I do not have.) Now I bask in the security that even if everyone else abandons me, God will never leave me. :)

Disclaimer: This blog does not intend to solicit sympathy or throw ill-feelings towards the person who chose to leave. Due Respect must be accorded. But Empathy and Understanding are much appreciated.

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