-I will always be your Baby-

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Re-posting my blog 2 years ago about a dream I had of Papa in remembrance of him on Father's day. To me, he was the first man to show me love. I admit thou that his lost was the void of me that I kept hoping for someone to fill in. Now I realized no one can ever take his place. Only God can love me better than he did. And oh, add my mama too. :)

Happy Father's day Papang Ric! I will always miss you!

Your little princess 

Love2x :)

Read on:


I was the apple of his eyes… everywhere he'd go, he’d carry me along and show me off to everyone as if I were some precious stone or something.. “lawyer” is what he wanted to get for an answer whenever he’d ask me about what I want to be when I grow up and he’d repeatedly ask me this for everyone else to hear (hence the ardent desire).. I remember he’d bring me to Village (a restaurant with playground for kids) where I would cheerfully run back and forth making my way to the swing and sliding equipments.. I could almost see the serenity and happiness in his face as he watched me play.. he’d be holding my little hand as we walk along the boulevard peacefully observing the calm sea.. this to me was a perfect picture of how a dad should be – protective.. I was only 3 years old then but I can vividly recall to this time all those precious moments with papa… amazing? Perhaps because they were my fondest memories of childhood.. and up to these days, whenever his comrades and even his subjects would see me, they’d always agree that I was my papa’s girl.. why? That I would like to ask him if I had the chance..(i am the 3rd in the brood of 4 you know, why me??why not?) it’s been almost 22  years (now 25 as of this time of repost) since we lost him and I thought I was over the sobbing and grieving part – until this morning.. I woke up from a dream.. a dream I had wished for 22 long years to happen.. he visited me in my dream (on a Friday the 13th take note!).. it was almost real… he looked healthy and happy.. he was trying to show me documents enclosed in 2 folders which to my excitement I didn’t bother to even look at.. I was so happy to hug him and tell him how much I missed him all these years and I could almost feel like it’s so real.. after that short meeting I remember we drove off and I dropped him off somewhere then sadly he walked away and disappeared.. when I woke up, I felt a bit puzzled about the whole dream.. first, it’s been a long time since his death and now he seems so real in my dream; second, what could be his purpose for visiting me in my sleep.. one thing I realized is that - I wasn’t fully over his lost.. I am the same little girl who’d cry over her dreams during the first few months after her papa left her.. I am now 26 (now 28) and he still affects me this much.. after all, I will always be his favorite little girl.. “You will always have a special part in my heart papa.. “

Note: When I called up my elder sister to tell her about my dream (while I was crying hard), she readily asked me what numbers papa gave me. Incidentally, just before I woke up, I remembered 3 numbers came out from nowhere, and guess what, much to her dismay, i learned that those exact numbers were among the winning numbers in the lottery last night! Maybe papa just laughed and thought that's what she gets for not even asking how he was doing in my dream. Haha!

Friends are Angels in disguise

Saturday, June 11, 2011

     I remember a few months back, in January to be exact, when it felt like I had my doomsday, the ones who were there to pull me up are my friends and family – my angels.

      It was a fun Saturday night as Cate, Dee & I decided that I sleep over their flat since my housemates had all gone back home in the Philippines. We watched “Amnesia Girl” which had been a memorable movie since then, not to forget the fact that it started all the dramas which ended up with all the 3 of us sharing our fantasies on how we wish we’d meet our “charming princes”. The night was just as nice and fun when you’re with your friends. Little did I know that I was meant to be with them that night because I was gonna need them for the morning that followed. Yeah, a revelation that sent shivers to my spine. It wasn’t something like I expected (or was I just in denial then? haha!) or thought I deserve. But thanks to Cate whose blouse I think got soaked with my tears that morning and the one who used to call me almost every day then to check on me (not to forget she's always my spokesperson), Tatsie who offered to take the bus while we take a cab which didn’t happen as the queue was so long and I was already almost lifeless (exaggerated), Ervyn who held my hand all along and offered to be my roomie for a night (I wasn’t even sure if I was the one to thank him that day or the other way around. Haha! Joke!), and of course Dee who, offered to stay with me for a week. I kinda least expect Dee to do this. And at first, I was shy to drag her into my pathetic life that time. I knew I’d be half alive the days after that and it would be kinda challenging for her to catch me on my lucid intervals. She was there to listen to all my pitiful cries before we sleep. She was there to share to me all that she went through when she was where I was exactly then. She’s the one who waited for me every day so we could have a dinner together while watching “imortal” then. I remember we would laugh before we sleep over “some people”; watched wedding videos which made us both cry. With her around slowly tears turned to smiles and bad memories turned to motivations to better myself. She even inspired me to start up this personal blog site of mine just as it also served as her outlet for all her bunch of memories – good and bad.

     From the prayer and inspirational booklets given to me; wall posts, chats and private messages all sending the same message of encouragement; pats on my shoulders to prayers offered, she along with all my caring friends and family nursed the wounded soul in me. I maybe suffering from selective memory loss but I will never forget what each of my friends and family did for me during those lowest moments of my life. I could not thank God enough for the chance of knowing my worth to all the rest of the people who love me. Indeed, God is present in my life. Now looking back I must say, God must be hugging me so tight then and every single day.

10 Random Thoughts

I am stuck here alone in my room again on a supposedly exciting Saturday night. But I guess I kinda like my solitary confinement better than meeting blank faces partying somewhere. Sitting in front of my pink lappy, I decided to just write down in random any thoughts that cross my mind. And here you go:

1. I am craving for California Makki at this time of the night!!!

2. My greatest fear is dying unprepared. Not having to ask forgiveness from people I had hurt, not having to free myself from resentments, and lastly, not having to let those people I love know how much I do.

3. The best wedding proposal for me is by the man whom I truly love and can see myself growing old with… :) I can’t think of anything better than that as of this moment. :)

4. Dream Wedding – to the same person in the 3rd line of course! Haha! With all the closest and special people who witnessed everything I went through to deserve that very moment.

5. My LSS now is “sasakyan kita” hahaha! That’s gonna be my song for “John”. Haha! (note after reading this again: "what the heck was I thinking then?!" haha!)

6. Greatest vanity – skincare and scent! I don’t mind spending for these.

7. What makes me sad now? No bonus! Haha! (Would have been great to enjoy GSS!)

8. No. 1 Frustration – Not having to celebrate my 18th birthday wearing a pretty and elaborate gown. (that might just be my only chance of wearing one! Haha)

9. Persons I miss most now – my Papa and my lola – Imeng. I wish I could hug them in my dreams.

10. Major Turn-on traits? Someone loving – knows how to take care and love himself (I really appreciate men who are little less vain than I am) he doesn't have to be a hunk, just neat will do; all he needs to do is make 1 heart go throbbing - mine; loves his family; loves God & loves me dearly & faithfully; Wise & Sensible – someone who sees life more than just a daily mundane thing; whom I can tell everything and laughs with me on my corny jokes; and lastly and most importantly someone I love. This last part makes it all hard as spark is something mysterious and undefined. It might even render all in my "turn-on-traits" list useless.