For years, I have painstakingly endeavored to understand my heart. The fragile and resilient heart of mine.
Growing up with no masculine image at home was tough. My father's absence left a void in my person. With the unfortunate events from childhood, I had developed a distorted view of men. Needless to say, I was left with no one to remind or show me how I ought to be treated as a woman.
I was boyish in my early years. I would end up playing toy guns with my playmates. I only had my first barbie doll when I was about 8. I remember I would keep my distance from boys through my early teen stage. Though I considered myself normal as I also had infatuation and admiration for the opposite sex, I kept my guard. My young heart was curious yet anxious.
I had my puppy love when I was 12. You know those times when you cannot even distinguish love and infatuation? The latter being the mere reason did not last long. I told myself that I will raise my wall high enough so that no one can just climb up unless the guy is very persistent and chivalrous. The plan was going well. Or so I thought. And then, I fell in love... Boom! The next thing I know I was captivated for the following 10 years of my life. The death of Miss Guarded. Insert face-palm here.
Through the relationship, I learned a lot about my capacity to love. I realized that as much as I love my family, I am also very much capable of loving a man. Taking the role of my father in our home has developed in me a great deal of responsibility and control. I was a provider and protector of my family. Two characteristics which are typically associated to a masculine role. These traits really manifested in my long term relationship. I ended up having to lead and drive it because the other person was not strong enough. I needed someone who is determined, passionate, a leader and pursuer. In the end, we grew apart, he walked away, my heart was broken into pieces.
Since that relationship, I realized that I am just like any other woman out there. I, too desire:
1. to be romanced;
2. to take an irreplaceable role in a great adventure;
3. to be that beauty to be unveiled.
I am just as vulnerable as every other human being in the planet. Wounded at that.
One other thing that grew in me is my deep longing to share God's love to others. Through my hardships and challenges in life, God planted this seed of love and charity in me. He made my heart so easy to penetrate - ever ready to give away love to anyone. 'What has become of the high wall now?' God had to raze that wall so I can open my heart to my calling in life.
In all these years, I kept asking God, "why did you make my heart this way, Lord?" I was struggling between the call to be selfless through the gifting of myself to others and my own longing for my love to be reciprocated. Many times I have settled for unrequited love. A one-sided love affair. I felt I just had so much love to give that it did not matter whether I get it back. Yet time and again, I would find my heart longing for redamancy - a love returned in full.
It took me quite a while to get me to love myself as God desired for me to do. Seasons and years and some pains along the way. And the best decision I ever made in my life? To pursue God's Heart. From the time I decided to give my heart to Him, He has never stopped pursuing me. He constantly reminds of His Love that is new every morning. He alone can suffice the deepest longing of my soul.
By choosing God, I took on the greatest adventure I could ever be in. Indeed, I was given an irreplaceable, special role of being His trusting mission partner as He orchestrates His best plan for me. He leads me to places where I could grow beautifully.
As I offered my heart to God, I allowed Him to make of me the woman that He created and intended me to be. Still imperfect and flawed with rough edges, surely there is more sharpening to be done. He uses every experience to turn it into something of added value to my whole purpose in life. From my wounds and hurts in the past emerged my greatest ministry - I have only become a more loving person.
And only God knows where my journey would take me next, but I now know that as my heart is anchored on Him, I can do all things in Him who strengthens me. Thank YOU Lord for creating in me a sweet, beautiful heart!
"I found him whom my soul loveth"
Song of Songs 3:4
