The Peace of Not Knowing

Today is my 45th day of being locked up at home or should I say not really. I do go out to run or walk at the park outside my apartment. As risky as it may sound, going to the groceries feels like a respite for me from the constant little battles I fight through each day. And my battlefield? Everything happens in my mind and my room has become my solace. It has been my place of comfort, of worship, my personal quiet space. The 4 corners of my room have been the witness to my silent cries when I terribly miss my family and loved ones or when I get overwhelmed with anxiety over the things beyond my control.

Just like everyone else nowadays, I too go through a lot of anxieties over the unknown. I could imagine it may be a lot harder for our essential workers or front liners. For someone like me who finds security in knowing, the past few months have been a real struggle. As shared by Fr. Mike Schmitz, Anxiety is said to be "the overestimation of danger and the underestimation of one's ability to cope with such danger". It is interesting how this definition is true for me and it is usually the case whenever I realize that I do not have control over things. Planning helps me gain control over the outcome to some extent. And not knowing when this is going to end and how things would pick up from then are kind of agonizing. But maybe just maybe, this whole COVID 19 situation is a reset for me. Like a lesson for me to learn to let go and trust beyond my limited human capacity. 

While I fill my thoughts with positive things every so often, it may not be enough to get me through all these. Hope is just as important as staying positive. It does all happen in the mind, the conditioning and the silent prayers. And it is important to nourish our mind with hopeful and positive thoughts each day. When the horizon seems bleak and the eyes cannot see farther, the mind can envision a good sight of a beautiful day. However that day may look like for you.

Each day I pray for the peace of not being troubled of not knowing everything and the grace to let go and let God. Easier said than done but with hope and faith, I find assurance that this too shall pass. Quietly unyielding to the torrents of uncertainties, taking one day at a time. ❤


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